Well, as I mentioned last time, while in Palolem, I ended up having an astrological chart drawn up – just for shits and giggles, if nothing else. I don’t actually believe in horoscopes, of course, especially after learning from Richard Dawkins that the entire celestial logic behind them was thrown off its originally plotted axis yonks ago by the interim discovery of new stars, planets and fact of shifting constellations. (Naturally, these inconvenient facts are studiously ignored by career horoscope purveyors and followers of all things zodiac…)

All that being said, I still somehow manage to represent the textbook epitomous Virgo here, namely: perfectionist, driven, hyper-organised, diligent to a fault, and clearly ma-hoo-sively anal retentive. Coincidence? Possibly. Barnum Effect? Maybe. And yet, it’s always tempting to see what the stars allegedly have to say, even if I’m personally approaching the whole endeavour with a vat full of salt at the ready…

Without further ado then, let’s have a look at some of the key highlights from the very comprehensive (a whole 55 pages worth!) astrological report – as it happens, turns out the cosmos has quite a lot to say on the matter… 😉

Personality and Traits

Astrological Chart: Born on a Friday, and so ruled by Venus, you are analytical, detail-focused, often too much, and are practical, you value order, efficiency, and self-improvement. These traits can also make you overly critical of yourself. Virgo Sun means you often spot details others miss. You seek always to improve yourself and express creativity. You are thoughtful and introspective, not given to impulsive actions. You have ability to cut through distractions and focus on what matters, finding joy in simple pleasures, bringing clarity to complicated scenarios, while always spotting the silver lining.

Me: Well, either that’s confirmation bias in action, or the stars have me rightly pegged as the Virgo poster child. Hard to argue with the cosmos when they get it so spot on…

Love and Marriage

Astrology Chart: Your married life will be happy. In spite of providing such a wonderful environment at home, however, the psychological health of your spouse will be a matter of concern. Recommended remedies include: 1. Feeding the birds with something sweet. 2. Keeping ivory in the home. 3. Worshipping the banyan tree with sweetened milk.

Me: Ahem. No comment. But I at least now know where it all went wrong – no ivory, no banyan tree, and I’ve yet to offer the birds anything other than a savoury type snack. Will bear this in mind for next time, though the ivory would have to be imitation only. Can’t have any elephants dying for the sake of maintaining any hypothetical future states of marital bliss, can we now…?

Family and Friendships

Astrology Chart: You have a special attachment with your mother and will get more love from her than do your siblings. You respect your father and obey his words by heart. Virgo Ascendant people are very friendly and loyal to those they care for. You are very selective in friendship and prefer having fewer close friends than large group of acquaintances.

Me: Nyah nyah Daniel – it’s written in the stars: Mum officially loves me more than you! But a big yy to the parental relationships otherwise – dutiful daughter that I am – and to the whole ‘quantity over quality’ approach to maintaining friendships too. You know who you are peeps!

Health

Astrological Chart: You are the master of excellent anatomy. You will attain longevity in life. Despite this, Virgo Ascendant people are prone to worry and hypochondria. Problems with intestines and constipation can be common Virgo complaints.

Me: Constipation is seriously not an issue since adopting a Tim Spector inspired, bio-diverse, plant-based diet. Quite frankly, I’m far more likely to block the toilet these days than suffer from any supposed ‘Virgo complaints’ in that department.

Physical Appearance

Astrological Chart: There is often something ”petite” and spare about the physical appearance, especially the face, of Virgo. Their carefully measured walk, symmetrical bodies and typically youthful, innocent features are telling. You do possess a good forehead with a straight nose and have massive cheeks.

Me: Wait, is that face cheeks or bum cheeks…?!?! This is an important distinction, universe! Unfortunately, due to mild scoliosis, my walk has latterly proven more club-footed than symmetrical – but “petite” and “youthful“ are still compliments I’ll happily take!

Career

Astrological Chart: Be it the field of education, work, or business, you just want to stay ahead of everyone. Failing or lagging behind you cannot bear. Your career will thrive in dynamic, high-stakes fields where you can problem-solve and tackle new challenges. You’re drawn to professions that offer intellectual stimulation, diversity, and a danger or excitement, such as construction engineering, the military, surgery, or roles in leadership.

Me: Aside from the whole ‘fear of failure’ bit, this doesn’t resonate at all. I’m definitely not cut out for a high-stakes, high-pressure career in life-or-death decision making. I find it stressful enough when an IT system goes down on my watch – let alone coping with anything involving medical or military-grade responsibility.

Domestic Life

Astrological Chart: Disorder in the house is likely to grate on your susceptibilities. Your children will mean a great deal to you. You will work for them and give them the utmost in affection and enjoyment, and what you lavish on them will not be wasted.

Me: Well, obvs on the aversion to disorder thing, as is obvious to anyone who’s ever visited my flat before – Marie Kondo eat your heart out! Replace children with cat on the second point though, and in fairness this description is really not all that far off.

Planetary Influences

Astrology Chart: Jupiter is your most favourable planet, bringing luck, growth, and expansion to your life. Mercury is considered a challenging influence for you and you may experience difficulties with overly analytical thinking, decision-making, or mental stress.

Me: Mental note duly made not to visit Mercury any time soon.

Lucky Metal

Astrology Chart: Gold is a lucky metal for you, symbolising wealth, success and vitality.

Me: Ummm, is there anyone in the world to whom that statement would not apply – other than maybe the Brinks-Matt robbers…? I think not.

Good Years

Astrology Chart: Your good years are: 14, 23, 32, 41, 50. These years represent milestones in your life when you’re likely to experience growth, opportunity and success. There are chances that life may stay quite strugglesome till your 50s. But, things are amazing from the age of 50 to 56.

Me: Oh joy – only 7 more years to wait then. As for the other supposed “good years”, 14 was spent in peak adolescent angst; 23 joyously gallivanting around the world; 32 I bought a flat; and 41 coincided with both a pandemic and a divorce – so fair to say these represented something of a “mixed bag”. On a final note, is “strugglesome” a word…? Well, it is now…

Favourable Days and Dates

Astrology Chart: Your inauspicious day is Sunday and favourable day is Thursday. Kartik is a traditionally challenging month for you. This could mean that significant or challenging events may arise during this period.

Me: Have the stars gone insane…?!? Sunday is a bloody great day – it’s day 2 of the weekend! Agree Thursday is a good day also though, on account of the fact that it’s a) nearly Friday and b) there’s a decent chance of work drinks. As for kartik, that apparently means September – so self-evidently a good rather than a bad month, given I am invariably gifted with a generous array of birthday presents at the approximate halfway mark.

Astrological Chart: As an Earth sign, you are practical, patient, stable and reliable. You value security and prefer solid, tangible results. While you are grounded in reality, you may resist change, favouring what is familiar. Your connection to the material world gives you endurance, but you seek comfort in routine and stability.

Me: So, basically, I’m a boring old stick-in-the-mud with a hankering for routine, a tendency towards JOMO (Joy of Missing Out), and an abiding sofa attachment so deep I reckon I’ve put down roots into it at this point. Yep, sounds about right!

Yoni (Animal Instinct)

Astrological Chart: The Ram yoni indicates you have a fiery, determined nature. You can be headstrong, passionate, and driven, especially when pursuing your goals. You might sometimes clash with others when your strong will meets resistance.

Me: I was just about to deny any supposed ram-like qualities, given I am by nature very much conflict-averse. But then I remembered the state of murderous bloodlust that at times descends on the work front, where vanquishing mine enemies represents less of a professional obligation and more of a viseral, no-holds-barred personal victory. So, yeah, I guess that kinda tracks too…

The Year Ahead

Astrology Chart: The year 2025 will bring many changes and opportunities, especially related to foreign lands and new connections. You may even get a good opportunity from a faraway place, bringing benefits and happiness. However, mid-year may bring some challenges as Rahu creates confusion in partnerships and financial matters. Travel to distant places will also bring rewards and peace of mind in the second half of the year. Overall, this is a year of growth, especially with foreign associations playing an important role in your success. Keep your confidence high, and you will overcome any challenges.

Me: Hmmm, quite a few mentions of foreign opportunities there – I’m intrigued, universe. But who on earth is Rahu and why is he trying to screw things up for me…? Is he some astrological villain I need to confront? I’m all up for kicking his arse if necessary – I mean, don’t make me go and unleash my inner ram all up on you, bee-yatch.

Well, there we go – the stars have officially had their say, and I’ve had mine. As it stands, it seems the universe has me destined for overseas greatness – once I’ve survived the next few ‘strugglesome’ years ahead, that is. As for now, I’m keeping an open mind to what the future might hold – after all, the universe may yet turn out to know something I don’t…

For now, though I’ll keep on living out my often excruciatingly self-aware, archetypal Virgo existence, which – judging by precedent – means obsessively plotting every facet of my personal and professional existence via Excel spreadsheet, compulsively self-critiquing, and ensuring to keep the old bowel movements regular – while also not daring to get out of bed on Sundays from henceforth on. Anyhoo, that’s it for this time round – until then, let’s see what fate has in store for next time… 😉